Feeling Betrayed

How can I tell you what I need to say?
You seem so distant yet you are not far away.
I feel lied to and betrayed.
Look at what a mess we've made.
You said you loved me so what was I supposed to do?
Turn away and pretend that I don't care about you?
You've ruined my old perspective,
But I know that without you, I can't live.
How do I know that I'm your only one?
I don't because of the things you've done.
Sometimes I wish we had never met,
But then I know that you are my safety net.
I wish I knew how you truly felt,
I guess I should play the cards I've been dealt.
I know you don't want me to suffer,
But I hate it when you talk about her.
My love for you won't ever fade,
But I wish you'd stop trying to invade.
My heart sometimes longs for you,
But I think I now know what I have to do.

The Gentle Mouse

I fell into your trap without choice
A gentle mouse tortured by the hungry beast
I didn't know how to turn away
You were always there on my mind
No matter what I did.
I wanted you gone
I wanted you to leave me be
But how could I fight you?
With your threatening words that
Haunt me to this day.
I'm broken because of you
I'm scared to be alone
Because of you.
Now in my mind, a gentle rain always remains.
A dark cloud hovers over my head
I feel you everywhere I go
A ghost of my nightmares
I hope you regret how you tortured me
I hope you realize that
Forgiveness is far away.
I hope you care.
I have nothing more to say to you
Nothing I say will matter to you.
You are the beast in the nightmares
I am the mouse that cowers from the fear
Of being uncovered.

Pieces of My Heart

My mind is like a spider weaving its web.
I know that everything I said was true.
But now I feel so confused,
Because now I actually want you.

My life isn't complete without its complication.
I feel so guilty when I'm with you,
And the guilt follows me when I'm with him.
You're the one I want to run to.

Just one stolen kiss is what I long for,
Why must I be indecisive; can't I just love one?
But I remember what it was like when you held me,
My heart lit on fire; it burned like the sun.

You both are like my air and my water,
Without one, I can't exist.
Is this what love is about?
Sometimes I wish I could fade into the mist.

You are a part of me that will never fade,
I can't mess up things now; they're all too perfect.
But I know how I feel when I'm around you,
You're like my drug; like a poison that infects.

The Rock & The Fire

Wishful thinking has my heart torn in two,
When I go to bed at night, I think of you.
I can’t do this anymore, I must let go.
But it’s hard because I loved you so.
Sometimes I think you don’t care at all,
But then you’re right there when I’m about to fall.
He is my rock but you are the fire,
You are what keeps me going; you’re my desire.
Confusion doesn’t even begin to describe it,
My heart is tearing open; there’s a rift.
Tell me why I can’t just let you go,
Why I’m still the arrow and you’re my bow.
I’m so torn between the worlds of fate,
All I want is to see you again, just to taste.
I know I’ve been cruel but it’s all been denial,
I’m still in love with you; it’s bottled up tightly in my vial.
Please, don’t ruin what’s good between us,
The love we shared can’t be forgotten; that’s a must.
Be there for me in the very end,
In the very least, please, don’t cease to be my friend.

Updates

I'm updating Eternal Nightmare within the next couple days. Read and comment. : ) For Caitlin who has read part of this story and is very, very far behind, this is GOOD news. =P

Kaitlin <3

You Don't Know Rejection

I feel the need to say this out loud.
The anger I have trapped inside is unbearable.
You are infuriating at times.
You think you know
But you don't.
You will never know.
You think the world is crap
Because of stupid guys.
You think you know rejection
But you don't.
You will NEVER know rejection.
Your life is perfect.
You get everything you want.
You have a perfect family.
A perfect soul.
You have everything.
You get everything.
I'm sick of hearing your complaints.
The world is not an awful place.
Open your eyes before I scream.
I'm tired of hearing about how awful you are.
You are not awful.
You will never be awful.
You don't know rejection.
You don't know it at all.
You think you do.
Yeah, I'm a little angry.
And irritated.
And frustrated.
I'm SICK of it.
I'm TIRED of it.
I wish you'd STOP.
Don't you understand?
No, you don't understand.
You think you have it so bad.
You think everything is falling apart.
It's not.
It will never fall apart for you.
You've had your rough times but so have I.
I am not falling apart.
You are.
I'm tired of picking up your pieces.
Just to have you pull them all apart again.
To be quite blunt I feel I need to say,
Get over it.
Guys are stupid.
I'm sorry if this is harsh
Or mean
But I've put up with this for years
And I felt the need to let this out.
It's sickening.
You have everything so perfect.
So start being happy.
Stop moping and smile for once.
You are so different now.
I hate it.
I absolutely hate it.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough
To make you happy.
I wish you'd stop.
And stop now.
Do you not realize that I'm
Jealous of you?
Yeah, I'm envious.
You have everything I want.
Everything I need.
You have it.
I don't.
So stop it.
Stop making yourself miserable.
Because I am sick
And I am tired
And I am on the edge
Of stopping our little chats.
I'm tired of you not listening to me.
I'm so sick of it.
You are sickening at times.
Don't take any of this the wrong way
It's just something I needed to say.
I hope this made an impact.
If it didn't then I wasted this space.
You don't know rejection.
You only know perfection.

The Vault

At times it seemed like we weren’t meant to be
But then I realized that it was all me.
I loved you with all of my heart,
You knew that, I knew that, it was just the start.
You lied to me and you broke me down,
You let me drown without making a sound.
I was reaching up to you,
I was crying out to you,
But you chose to ignore me.
You chose not to see.
Sometimes I still miss what we had
Yeah, sometimes it still makes me sad.
But at least now I’m trying to make things right
But you choose to pretend like everything is still night.
You’ve made me angrier than I’ve ever been before
But that doesn’t matter to you, you chose to ignore.
The flame is still burning for you at times when I’m alone
Because when I was with you, I felt like I was home.
Now everything is different and I can’t find the words to say
You make me feel like you just want me to go away.
Maybe I will and maybe I won’t return
It’d be your loss, it’d be your turn to learn.
I’m tired of crying for you and feeling like I’m a fault
It’s time to start over, it’s time for my feelings to go into the vault.

Flames of the Cold Fire-Part 4

The feeling seems to go away as quickly as it came but my hands are still glowing and sparkling. I go into my house and plop down on the couch studying myself wondering what is happening and if I'll find out sometime soon.
"Gen, is that you?" asks my mom from the kitchen.
"Yupp. What's up?" I respond.
"Can you come in here and help me with this stupid soup. The directions are on the can but apparently, there's more to it than that."
I shake my head and stand up then stop, remembering that I'm glowing. I could just imagine my response to my mom when she asks. "Oh don't worry Mom, it's just radioactivity in the atmosphere that affects teens now. Don't worry about it." I almost laugh out loud at the absurd response.
"Actually Mom, I can't right now. Sorry. Lots of homework." I say then disappear into my room. Any moment, I know she'll come in. I never do my homework, at least not willingly.As soon as I close the door, the feeling returns...the feeling of lead being in the pit of my stomach. God, what is this and when will it go away? Not that I necessarily want it to go away because it does feel amazing, although strange at the same time. I decide to just go to sleep hoping that I'll just sleep this off and when I wake up, I'll be somewhat back to normal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

When I wake up, I feel more exhausted than I did before I went to sleep. It almost hurts to open my eyes. All I want is to go back to sleep.
"It's normal, you know."
My eyes fly open to see a man in a black cloak standing in front of my door. I scream and jump out of bed.
"Who are you?!" I exclaim, raising my fists as if I'm going to fight him.
He laughs then crosses his arms. "I am Balthasar. Master of flight, the elements, and dragon training."
I stare at him blankly. He laughs again.
"Maybe I should slow down a bit. Genevieve, I am Balthasar. How are you today?"
"Ugh, hold it right there. Call me Gen, please." I tell him.
"It is your given name, isn't it?"
"Yeah, so? I hate it."
"It was meant to be your name. It's a great and powerful name for a woman. You will do great things under that name."
"Oh please. Okay, hold up again. Why are you in my room? What's going on here? How'd you get in? Who are you again?"
"I am Balthasar, Genevieve. Young woman, you are my Apprentice. Come now, we must begin training immediately."
"Training for what? Did my mom send you here to get me to be a cheerleader? I'm not the typical girl and she's always trying to push me more towards feminine stuff that I hate and--"
"Believe me, I know you are not a typical young woman. The things you will be doing will not be feminine, I can assure you of that much. You will learn great things from me, Genevieve."
"You're going to keep calling me that, aren't you?"
"Yes, it is your given name and that is what I wish to call you."
"Fine let's go, psycho boy. Let's start this training you speak of."
He studies me for a moment as I throw on my shoes.
"You will come so easily with a stranger?" he asks me.
"Yupp. I'm not quite that intelligent but hey, life's an adventure right?"
"Lesson number one of your training today. You meet up with anyone else that you don't know or recognize besides me, do not speak to them unless they can give you the password."
"Password?"
"Yes, the password that all of us have to make sure we on the same side. It's butchered sheep, by the way."
"Butchered sheep? That's weird, I'm not going to lie."
"Yes, well, let us go now. Remember that lesson. It's vital to not only your safety, but the safety of everyone around you as well."
"Right Baldazar, let's get out of here."

Flames of the Cold Fire-Part 3

TJ's parents pull up after school while I'm walking to the bus. I watch TJ get into the car, knowing that this is the last time I'll see him for a while, if not forever. I wave as they drive away and stand for a moment until I hear the bus engines roar to life then I run to catch my bus. My chest feels tight seeing him go. We didn't really get a chance to spend time together for our goodbye. I suppose that's just life though.

As the bus pulls away from the school I feel like waving goodbye to it. It won't be the same school tomorrow, at least not for me. I've really got to pull myself out of this strange and unusual feeling of being...emotional. I'm not sure I recognize this feeling. It's...strange. When the bus pulls to my stop, I get off, my body feeling like lead. It's difficult to walk up the driveway. I suddenly have to stop. This isn't emotional pain, is it? If it is, remind me to never get upset again. But it's not. Something just feels...off. Wrong. And right at the same time. I feel so...powerful. It's not a normal sensation that's surging through me. I feel as if I've just been struck by lightning. I look down at my hands. Holy crap, my hands are glowing. This can't just be teenage hormones. Pain rips at my body. What the hell is this? I stand up and shake my hands and scream when sparks fly out of them and bounce of the ground. Okay, now I'm officially insane. This can't be real, right? Someone slap me, please.
But it is real. It's the most real thing that's ever happened to me even though it sounds insane. Something just feels like it's finally fallen into place. Something...incredible is about to happen. I can feel it. Something amazing. Soon, I'll have someone to belong.

Flames of the Cold Fire-Part 2

My arrival to school is just like any other day. Nothing new. Nothing extraordinary. No guy there to sweep me off my feet and kiss my frozen lips...nope. Just me and my backpack and best friend, Theodore Richard Jameson, or just TJ as he prefers to be called. I've know TJ since I was in preschool. He's not the typical best friend for a girl though. He's doesn't treat me any different than he'd treat his guy friends. We do everything together just as two guys would. We play video games, we have belching contests, we talk about our crap...Have you figured out yet that I'm not the typical girl? Not exactly warrior material, right? Others seem to think otherwise but I'm getting to that part. Anyway, I meet up with TJ and he immediately launches into something that would change my life forever...
"I'm moving." he tells me.
"What?" I respond in disbelief.
"Yeah. I'm moving two states away."
Part of me wants to argue and tell him he can't move away...that he can't leave me here with these lunatics, but I suppress the emotion. I can't make this worse than what it already is.
"Oh, wow. That sucks." I finally say even though my heart is screaming more than just "this sucks".
"Yeah, kind of. I mean, I'm a senior. Why should I have to pack up now and move? I'll be 18 in three months. I should have a choice of whether I should stay or go."
I nod. "When are you going to be officially 'gone'?" I ask.
He sighs. "This afternoon."
I nearly choke on the spit I just swallowed. "What?!"
"Yeah, my parents are having movers come today to pack up our stuff. They're coming at 9AM and then when I get home from school, we're gone. Apparently my parents have been planning this for months. They just now decided to tell me."
"Oh, man, this really sucks." I shove my hands into my hoodie pocket trying to imagine my life without TJ. He's just always been there. A part of my life. Without going on an emotional rampage, it's just going to be so...different and strange without him here everyday. I guess I should've seen it coming, though. The separation I mean because he wants to go to college. I don't. I guess we can't always be attached at the hip. Someone's got to separate us eventually. I suppose this is just the harsh way to do it.
"Yeah, it does."
The tardy bell rings and we immediately run into the school, trying to make it to homeroom before the teacher begins to care where we are.

Flames of the Cold Fire-Part 1

This is an experimental story. I'm testing it out to see how I write in a different style and genre. You may or may not like it. I'm writing this for fun. Comment if you like. I know you are wondering about Black Rose and when I find the flash-drive, I'll continue writing and posting. I'll let you know when that happens though.



I have never been normal. Well, normal according to the definition of most people's. Normal to me is boring. I'm not boring. I don't plan to be boring. I like to have fun, when there is time for fun. Lately, my definition of fun has been altered majorly. You see, recently I discovered that I have special powers that can make me do these really cool tricks and that I can ride dragons.
Maybe I should slow down. You don't believe me right now, do you? It's true, though. When I was seventeen, a strange man came to me and said, "Young woman, you are my Apprentice." And things just sort of happened from there.
Okay, maybe I should tell the whole story before I throw all of this at you. It's getting difficult to swallow, I know. Alright, well, this is my story from the beginning. Believe or not, but this is the truth...

It's raining again today. The sun never shines here. For me, being from Florida, that's irritating. I groan when I wake up and roll over onto my stomach wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. But of course, I must go to school and get my education even though I'm not really planning on doing anything with it. My parents never went to college and are just fine. We aren't rich nor are we poor. We can afford the necessities and that's fine with me, that's all we need.
I get up and make my way to the bathroom for my shower, considering that I smell like rotten cabbage. You ever smelled rotten cabbage? It is not a pleasant scent.
And so, I clean myself and get ready for school. I throw on the first pair of jeans that smell decent and the first t-shirt that doesn't appear to have many stains. I throw my air into a ponytail and pack my backpack. I grab a muffin and a bottle of water then go to the school bus stop. Another thing I hate is riding the bus. The people that ride are too much like me: trailer trash. I hate being around people like that. I can't explain why but I don't like seeing a reflection of myself on every single person on this bus. I don't live in the greatest of neighborhoods nor do I go to a fantastic high school. I live in what people would call the "wrong side of the tracks". Well, if this is the wrong side then heaven help me find the right side. This is all I've known for my entire life but it doesn't make it better than what it is.
To be quite frank, school is a pain in the rear. But I have to at least graduate high school. That's a requirement from my parents, pretty much the only one I have. The rules of my house are as follows: Get grades that will let me graduate. Get a job when I'm 18. Come home by midnight and don't drive drunk. That's pretty much it. I don't drink much anyhow because I think it's barbaric the one some people in my neighborhood drink more than a liquor store has.
So anyhow, I get to school and it begins the strangest day of my life, except the day when the wacko comes to tell me that I'm his Apprentice.

Intuition

Always Remember
In times of doubt
Your soul will thrive
On an on
without a stop
Downward spiral
it doesn't matter
drink from the glass
and save yourself
before the dark
takes you over
it
will
not
survive
without a host
go on
dont be afraid
dont look back
its too late now
you've made the
choice


there will come a time
when the sun and moon
will unite as one
when this time comes
so forgive
so live
so thrive
on life.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness comes in the form of many things. For me, it came in the form of fate. That may sound a bit "loco" shall we say? When your world comes crashing down on top of you all at once, it's sometimes hard to believe that anything can go right from there. But it does. Things get better. They do. And it is to my honest belief that there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Sometimes it still amazes me that fate came down so harshly onto me. But now I'm just happy to be alive. That is my belief. Forgiveness is fate. Fate is forgiveness. Whether you understand what I'm trying to say or not, this is my belief. And this is where I shall leave you. Questioning the connection between these two totally different concepts.
This is where I leave you...this is my final optimistic note: Life always gets better no matter what happens. Give it time. It will get better. If you just forgive.

Winter

Winter feels like ice cutting into my skin. The wind feels like shards of glass as it sweeps over my paled skin. I'm not sure why I stand here the way I am. It's as if I'm waiting for snow when I know it won't happen...as if I'm waiting on something...someone. I stand with only my summer clothes on and nothing else. I feel so bare. And alone. It's unusual for me to be so...pessimistic. I've lost my perspective on reality. But I think that's okay.
I can't separate my dreams from my realities. But is that so bad? Maybe it's okay to be living the dreams that I can't truly make happen.
I'm stuck once again at the crossroads. Winter is upon my door.
Will I let it in?

Evening

The evening feels cold even though it's seventy degrees out here. It feels cold because of the things I've done, the things I've said goodbye to. I won't be a victim anymore. A victim of my own words that cut deep into the soul of the unforgiven. I've tried to not be afraid and I've tried to not let anyone tell me who to be, but I've given up on that. I will try to forgive you and I will try to not let myself fall anymore. But that's impossible. Let it go, they told me. Maybe I should show them what letting go truly means. I'm a happy person, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a soul that can be easily broken. Don't break me. And don't take me away.

The Resurrection of Writer's Sanctuary

I'm starting this back up again. Look for random stories, poems, etc...COMING SOON!

Kaitlin <3